Dream Book Project: ~Conquering Depression~

I remember a time when I used to have anxiety that made my whole body shiver. The feeling that every thought and emotion was bouncing around and stretching my brain and I would stop breathing and realize I’m not breathing and then begin to hyperventilate and then stop breathing again. And then the sweat comes trickling down. I remember those moments of feeling completely helpless and not knowing what will become of me, will I always feel this way? I remember feeling empty and afraid. Afraid because I had no control over my life and no control over what kind of woman I will become. I had no sense of understanding, realizing that there is something bigger than me out there but I don’t know how to let go of the hopelessness I felt in the moment. I knew there was a light at the end, but I just did not want to look up and see it out of fear that it would disappear and I’m comfortable. I’m comfortable in feeling the way I feel because I have been doing it for months. I would rather this than get a taste of happiness and then have it taken from me. This is the moment your irrational mind takes over your sense of being, your body, and begins to spew thoughts of loneliness and a lack of purpose, thoughts of being misunderstood or not in control, not knowing what to do with your life, thoughts of carrying on with this meaningless, pointless life. And maybe you’re a complete waste of space, maybe you’ve let yourself down and maybe you let God down, it’s one emotion hitting you after another that you can’t stop. It doesn’t stop. You sit and take it. You are being abused by your own mind. Physically, emotionally. No one to stop it but yourself and you know it but you succumb. You try to think and work each emotion out and see it for what it is. It’s that state of being pulled from every direction, every neuron in your brain is racing, everything falling down all at once, pulled and shattered.

I made a promise that I will never let myself feel this way again.

This is the moment when I reached out to God and all that is greater than me. I sat in prayer that my life will somehow unfold in to what it should be. That things will be alright, there is a reason, or maybe there isn’t. Maybe there is no purpose to our being. Maybe we just exist to exist and that is it. Is that a good thing? or a bad thing? Whatever it is, I will never know. We will never know. And that, too, is okay.

Dream Book Project Day #2: Relationship with God (Faith)

You lose it, you’re done. It’s natural to lose faith sometimes, it’s natural to feel sad and unhappy and worthless and shitty and unloved. It’s natural to think you are not good at something, it’s natural to feel guilty about your thoughts or actions or the words you speak. It’s natural to not know what your life is all about. It’s natural and it’s okay. It’s okay to have no purpose, if you are content. It’s okay to not be ambitious, if you’re content. It’s okay to not live up to other’s expectations, if you’re content.

Just have faith that you are on the right track. Have faith in God or whatever it is that keeps your soul alive. Pray, speak to yourself, speak to someone else, listen to your mind, but don’t let it overpower you. Listen to your emotions, but keep them tame. Just believe that you are feeling whatever it is your feeling because this is either a test or a new lesson. A lesson that will help you, a lesson that you will later see was a blessing.

Today I’m grateful for the blessings that I have in my life. For all that I have been through and for all that I feel. I’m thankful for going through the time in my life that I spoke of, because I can now compare it to my current state of being. And I am at ease, and I am happy, and I am fine, and I am happy to be alive.

You have no Faith in God

You have no faith in God.

No harm, just run speedily

With faith in yourself.

You will reach your goal.

I have faith in God.

Although I went slowly

With my faith in God,

I have already reached my Goal.

– Sri Chinmoy

The Serenity Prayer

GOD, grant me the serenity

to accept the things

I cannot change,

Courage to change the

things I can, and the

wisdom to know the difference.

Living ONE DAY AT A TIME;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardship as the

pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this

sinful world as it is,

not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make

all things right if I

surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy

in this life, and supremely

happy with Him forever in

the next. Amen

– Reinhold Neibuhr

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